Perspective

I wrote this back in April a week before my dad passed away. I thought I'd post it here too.



I think I've started to write a little note about this maybe three times but decided not to. And even this that I'm posting took me several days to write.  I can tell anyone who happens to read this that this is probably going to be a bit of a sad note so if you'd rather not deal with that sort of thing, go ahead and click back now (:

A lot of you know that my dad is very sick. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Glioblastoma brain tumor a little over a year ago and has gone through some extensive therapies and surgeries to try and get as clean as he possibly can. Over this past Christmas he had another seizure and has been sloping down hill ever since. The difference in his health both physically and mentally from when I saw him over Christmas and when I saw him last weekend is dramatic.I'm facing the real probability that he most likely won't be around for too much longer.

I think the general perspective of anyone who knows my family is that my father and I are not very close. I can absolutely understand why people might think that way. The truth, however, is quite the opposite. My dad and I are far too much alike in many ways and I think that in the end that's what made us have a bit of a volatile relationship while I was growing up. Both my dad and I are emotionally sensitive people but we have an awful time expressing it. So instead we bottle things up until it makes us ill. Because we are both emotional introverts we've never really been able to express that we do indeed love each other very much.

My mother asked me to come home again next weekend to spend time with my dad. Through this conversation she revealed that my dad never really thought I really loved him. As the mother of an autistic son, I can relate to the feeling of having a child who can't express love for his parents in the same way that most people would expect. But I've never doubted that Sutton loves me. I can't imagine thinking anything else. I guess I grew up assuming that such a relationship was implied without needing to be said. The fact that my father has lived through his life not knowing this fills me with such a deep sadness that words really can't reflect. Hearing this has made me realize that no matter how uncomfortable I may be with expressing my feelings, I should always let someone know that they are important to me because, as cliche as it may sound, you never know if you'll be able to get the chance to say it again.

I've met so many people in my life that have affected me in one way or another. Some in small ways, others in ways much larger than they probably imagine. If I sit and think of it all my list would probably never end. But here's the short list. I'm writing it out here because I am much better with writing out what I want to say than saying it in person. Besides, with some of you, I can't say it in person anyway.

I'll start with the reason for this revelation. I know he can't read it, but at least I can write it down and maybe I'll have the guts to read it to him when I'm in Atlanta.

To my dad,
You sacrificed a lot to make out home secure. I think you sacrificed most of your own happiness working in a job you didn't seem to like. You're the part of my life that was always there, even when I didn't even notice it. I was a very thoughtless child, though it wasn't on purpose. I never thought what it might be like without you there ready to tell me what to do if I needed it. No that I'm looking in to a future where I'll no longer have that safety net, I am scared and I am sad that I never truly appreciated you when I had the chance. For all the years that I didn't tell you I loved you and for the time I ran away without telling you good-bye, I am deeply sorry. I absolutely do love you. You've been the rock under my feet all my life and the thought of you not being there shakes me to the core. Please don't ever think there is a possibility that I couldn't love you. Because it's just not possible.

To my mom,
Dad was my rock and you were the air I breathed. You were the glue that held our family together and even now you are the mediator between the two bullheads of the family. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but you raised me to be an independent person and to form my own opinions. Maybe you just did that a little too well! I've always tried to be candid with you about everything. I don't think there is much between us as far as I'm concerned that you don't know. But as one of the most important people in my life, I figured I should include you on here anyway. I love you.

To my husband,
Our life together may not have had the most ideal start. Both of us probably saw ourselves in very different places looking in to the future when we were still in college. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to live with or love. You've done your best for me and our two beautiful children and I am thankful every day for the accidents that brought us together. I love you more every day and I should tell you that more than I do.

To my children, Who can't read this, but I felt the need to include because my life wouldn't be complete without them:
Maggie, you are a rich light in my life. You're barely three and more profound than many adults. You don't even realize how wonderful you are yet, and I hope I can guide you enough to reach your full potential as a person. The world won't know what hit it. Sutton, you will always be my baby. Words can't express how special and wonderful you are. I only wish I could see in to your world and experience it as you do. It must be one hell of a place. I love you both so very very much.

To my extended family, my aunts and uncles, cousins and second cousins (which I'm blessed with quite a few),
Some of you I see more often than others, some of you I'm closer with than others, but you've all been a great help and support to my mother and father in their time of need. I can't be there like I want to, but I am so thankful that we have such a support system out there. Thank you so very much for being there when I can't.

To the rest of the terrible four (Shanna, Tara, & Brittany),
We grew up so close, but time and distance have drawn us apart. We don't live across the street or down the road from each other anymore. But no matter where life takes us, I hope all three of you know that you will always be sisters to me in my heart. It doesn't matter how much time has past. If it is within my power to help you when you need it, I will be there. I love all of you dearly, even if half of what we did growing up was fight with each other. I'll never have sisters, but I didn't need to have any, because I had you.

To my St. Francis Peeps,
If I listed you all individually, my note would be infinite. Each one of you helped me along the difficuly path of adolescence n your own way. Whether it was my first kiss, my first party, or my first time sneaking out of a house. All were important milestones to rebellion and individuality. As much as many of us curse that little school (that used to be) down by the river, I can't help but look back at it with a fondness every time I drive home to visit my parents (who still live across the street). You are all such important people to me. I wish all of you so much success and goodness in life. You are all wonderful people (despite our dysfunctions! Ha!)

To all the friends I met while I was at YHC,
I always felt like an outsider in life. I was never the cool kid and I always had a very hard time making new friends. I never felt more accepted in my life than I did in the time I was at Young Harris College. You all helped me feel at home there in your own way, especially my fellow music majors. Bret and Mareta you two were like a family away from home. I saw you both every single day for multiple hours on end. How the two of you ever put up with me, I'll never know. All my sisters in Gamma Psi, you are all fabulously fun, outgoing people and your energy will always be a striving point for me. AVE, we had some crazy stressful and fun times. Pino, you're still my spirit brother, even though we haven't spoken in a long while. Spike, you too. I miss you and I hope I get to see you soon. I will forever be grateful to all of you who made my life a little more bearable.

To all the amazing people I've met as a USAF spouse,
I met all of you on the cusp of adulthood. You've taught me much about myself and what life really is. From the first person who ever spoke to me moving in to our itty bitty quadraplex on Eglin AFB, to the sweet wonderful people who helped me move in to the first home my husband and I have ever owned. Kellyn, Tisha, 'Manda, and Vanessa, you are all strong and independent women I am proud to have met and known. And Stacey, though looking back at the time I've known you we maybe hung out four or five times, you have touched my life and the life of my children, and I can't thank you enough for being there when no one else could be. Though most everyone I've met now lives at least half a country away from me, you are always in my thoughts.

To Stagecrafters & The Flightline,
Thank you for taking a chance on me. All of you came in to my life when I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world. You have renewed my love for theater and music and have given me something to look forward to. The talent that I am amongst when in a room with the lot of you is overwhelming. I am so incredibly grateful that I have had the opportunity to work with and get to know all of you. I am green with envy every time Ray leaves for rehearsal now because I don't get to go too. But it's his turn and I know without a doubt that he will have an amazing experience. He is in good hands. Thank you for showing me how to have fun again. I love all of you very much.

To those I've met and known but never been in the same room with, To Tess, Ari, Vlad, Kyle, Gary, Ginger, Amanda, Seth and the lot of you whom I've shared creativity and laughs with for years through this magical thing we call "the internet",
You are all such special and unique individuals. Smart, talented, and creative people who I'm so glad I got to share a little bit of myself with and I'm honored that you shared a little bit of yourself with me. Thank you so much.

There are so many more people I should mention in this, but if I don't hurry up and finish this now I will never actually post it, and I very much want to. I know a lot of you might think me strange for writing this down here, but it's easier than me trying to go find all o you one by one. Thanks for spending the time to read this. I hope you all find it in yourselves to not be like me. Don't wait so long to tell someone how much they mean to you until they start to think they don't mean anything at all. Don't let stupid, trivial things keep you from being there for someone who really needs it. It doesn't matter how much time has passed or what words have been said. Don't regret.

Hot Button Issues

This is not a rant. It's more me writing out my own thoughts. Read it if you like, comment if you wish. I am not so egotistical to think that everyone cares or wishes to know what I think. I just like to write and I'm too lazy to make a blog. If you want a debate, we can go there. But just don't get mean and respect that even if we may have different opinions, we can still be friends.

And forwarning, this bitch is long.

Now I'm writing about my thoughts on abortion.

My thoughts on this issue have changed drastically throughout my life. Growing up always knowing that I was adopted, I had a unique feeling about abortion. I could very well not be alive today had my biological mother made the choice to not carry me to term. I realize this could be said about anyone, but considering in the end mine chose not to keep me, it is more true for me than most. I was lucky. I was born, I was given to a family that loved and cherished me and gave me so very many things my biological mother probably never would have been able to provide. I also grew up in a fairly conservative household and was taught the things my parents believed, which included abortion being the 'wrong' choice. While some religion was behind that, it had more to do, I think, with the fact that they would never have been able to have a child of their own if abortion was the most common practice. My parents deserved to have a child, they were great parents. It's kind of a sad thought to think they wouldn't have gotten to have that experience.

I had a few friends who got pregnant before they were ready to have kids and chose to abort the baby (and I would never name names). It upset me tremendously at the time. One upset me so much so that I remember wearing all black to school. I went to a school that required uniforms and I broke the rules to do that. Anyone who knew me in highschool (before I went crazy and ran away from home) can tell you that I was a very straight laced kid and breaking the rules like that was a pretty big deal for someone like me. It saddened me to think there was a potential life in the world that wouldn't be. I know it couldn't have been easy on them either.

I got pregnant before I was married at 21. Ray and I had already discussed what would happen if something like that were to ever come up and we both knew the minute I got a positive test result that we were having that baby. We were old enough to be adults and accept responsibility. It wasn't the ideal situation, but life isn't ever ideal. Ray joined the military and I did as much as I could to prepare myself for this next step in life. Since I am adopted and have no medical history, we did a full genetic screening on me to find out if there was anything else we might need to prepare for. During this process, we discovered that I was a carrier for the gene that causes cystic fibrosis. Having only one parent as a carrier isn't a concern. But if both parents are carriers, there is like an 80% chance of that child having cystic fibrosis.

Someone very close to me, and again I won't say who (it was not Ray), told me that if the blood test came back for Ray as being a carrier that I might want to consider terminating my pregnancy. This was extremely shocking to me because the thought had never occured in my head and I never would have expected it to be brought up by this person. They tried to explain how hard it would be and that I should seriously think about what I might want to do. I have (sort of) met some very vibrant people with cystic fibrosis since then and I know that HAD Ray been positive and Sutton had been born with cystic fibrosis, I would still have been very proud to be his mom. Luckily, Ray was not a carrier and Sutton was born with no known issues...

At the time.

Of course, later he was diagnosed with autism and that started a whole new chapter in our lives. I've told the story about his diagnosis before, so I won't go in to just how horrible that experience was. But his diagnosis did change our family plan. When we were young, before we were expecting, Ray and I had both expressed the desire to have a big family. My closest experience to a sibling was my cousin Trey and Ray had a very small family. We wanted a lot of kids. But with Sutton's diagnosis and the issues that became apparent with that later on down the road, it was a real concern of both of ours that we might have a second child with autism.

I love my son dearly, he is sweet and wonderful and intelligent. But I could not handle two of him.

He was three years old when Ray and I began discussing the possibility of maybe having a second child and what that might mean for us. And that's when Maggie came along. I took Sutton to the Dr. for a check up soon after I found out and discussed it with him. When I told him I was pregnant he said, and I quote exactly (as I will never forget it)

"Oh... You know you're 50 times more likely to have another child with autism right?"

I only wish I could mimic the tone in his voice on paper. It was accusing. Like he expected me to end my pregnancy just on that chance. I had already heard my baby's heartbeat on the monitor and seen it pumping away. There was no chance I'd let anything happen to her. And I didn't. And she's beautiful and fairly typical. (though how typical one can be being my child is debateable)

I have been personally confronted with the option of abortion three times, two with one child. I don't believe there is any situation that would make me chose it. I would rather give put the baby up for adoption than anything else. People argue that children are waiting in line to be adopted. An that may be true for older children. But not for babies. There are hundreds of parents who just can't have kids of their own, whether they be infertile or same sex, who would do anything ANYTHING for a baby they might be blessed with. I was one of those babies, so it's the last resort choice for me and I would hope to pass those ideas on to my kids. People may not agree, but thats ok.

H O W E V E R ,

Just because I don't think abortion is the way to go doesn't mean I believe it should be illegal. I get really anxious when I see the government mandaing what I can and cannot do with my body, even if it's something I would personally never do. And I hear the argument about protecting the unborn child's rights, but where do we draw the line with that. Does the governments responsibilities to that baby end with birth? Will they be telling mothers that it's the law to breastfeed their children? Are they going to come in to our homes and tell us how to discipline them or feed them or dress them? I find it a little odd to be all about protecting an unborn child's rights and stop after they are born. And if we were to do that, that starts getting waaay too controlling. Making abortion illegal sounds more like big government and less like the small governent ideas that most of my conservative friends are so passionate about. Should we make it illegal to have sex without a condom? Should we make sex illegal alltogether until you have a marraige lisence or parental consent? Why are we so quick to protect the rights of life and not so quick to prootect the rights of elderly/terminally ill people who wish to die with dignity?

It kind of feels like the government says "You can do nothing but live, suffer, and pay taxes."

I don't know. Like I said, this is more me rambling out loud as I try to discover just where I stand politically. The questions I propose in my little novella there are me asking me, not me being accusatory. Other views are welcomed. But like I said, no fights, be nice. Having our opinions challenged is a part of growing as a human being. We should all be able to listen with open minds and consider all facets of an idea. We should all be able to debate and still be friends. (:

Cause I don't think anyone is reading...

I'm all for equal rights. I have many LGB&T friends out there and I think they should absolutely be able to marry because it's none of the governments business. Same sex couples and dual sex couples should have the same rights.

But come on. Do we have to drag the current marriage establishment through the mud to prove a point? I get it. There are some sad facts out there. Rich people marry for weeks or months only to get it erased, people cheat on their spouses ect. But lately I've felt like people are out right attacking the marriages already out there because right now it says not everyone can have one.

I'm straight and married with two great kids, one 8 and one 4. We married young, we married because I was pregnant, my husband is in the military, AND my oldest child is pretty severely autistic. The odds are stacked DRAMATICALLY against us and I will be honest, it has not been a picnic, but we've worked hard on our relationship and I am proud to say we've been married for over 8 years now.

I guess I just don't really like the way it feels like people are generalizing the current institution of marriage and trashing it like everyone currently married disregards it as if it doesn't matter. Does that make sense? I'm rambling... Ignore me.