Perspective

I wrote this back in April a week before my dad passed away. I thought I'd post it here too.



I think I've started to write a little note about this maybe three times but decided not to. And even this that I'm posting took me several days to write.  I can tell anyone who happens to read this that this is probably going to be a bit of a sad note so if you'd rather not deal with that sort of thing, go ahead and click back now (:

A lot of you know that my dad is very sick. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Glioblastoma brain tumor a little over a year ago and has gone through some extensive therapies and surgeries to try and get as clean as he possibly can. Over this past Christmas he had another seizure and has been sloping down hill ever since. The difference in his health both physically and mentally from when I saw him over Christmas and when I saw him last weekend is dramatic.I'm facing the real probability that he most likely won't be around for too much longer.

I think the general perspective of anyone who knows my family is that my father and I are not very close. I can absolutely understand why people might think that way. The truth, however, is quite the opposite. My dad and I are far too much alike in many ways and I think that in the end that's what made us have a bit of a volatile relationship while I was growing up. Both my dad and I are emotionally sensitive people but we have an awful time expressing it. So instead we bottle things up until it makes us ill. Because we are both emotional introverts we've never really been able to express that we do indeed love each other very much.

My mother asked me to come home again next weekend to spend time with my dad. Through this conversation she revealed that my dad never really thought I really loved him. As the mother of an autistic son, I can relate to the feeling of having a child who can't express love for his parents in the same way that most people would expect. But I've never doubted that Sutton loves me. I can't imagine thinking anything else. I guess I grew up assuming that such a relationship was implied without needing to be said. The fact that my father has lived through his life not knowing this fills me with such a deep sadness that words really can't reflect. Hearing this has made me realize that no matter how uncomfortable I may be with expressing my feelings, I should always let someone know that they are important to me because, as cliche as it may sound, you never know if you'll be able to get the chance to say it again.

I've met so many people in my life that have affected me in one way or another. Some in small ways, others in ways much larger than they probably imagine. If I sit and think of it all my list would probably never end. But here's the short list. I'm writing it out here because I am much better with writing out what I want to say than saying it in person. Besides, with some of you, I can't say it in person anyway.

I'll start with the reason for this revelation. I know he can't read it, but at least I can write it down and maybe I'll have the guts to read it to him when I'm in Atlanta.

To my dad,
You sacrificed a lot to make out home secure. I think you sacrificed most of your own happiness working in a job you didn't seem to like. You're the part of my life that was always there, even when I didn't even notice it. I was a very thoughtless child, though it wasn't on purpose. I never thought what it might be like without you there ready to tell me what to do if I needed it. No that I'm looking in to a future where I'll no longer have that safety net, I am scared and I am sad that I never truly appreciated you when I had the chance. For all the years that I didn't tell you I loved you and for the time I ran away without telling you good-bye, I am deeply sorry. I absolutely do love you. You've been the rock under my feet all my life and the thought of you not being there shakes me to the core. Please don't ever think there is a possibility that I couldn't love you. Because it's just not possible.

To my mom,
Dad was my rock and you were the air I breathed. You were the glue that held our family together and even now you are the mediator between the two bullheads of the family. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but you raised me to be an independent person and to form my own opinions. Maybe you just did that a little too well! I've always tried to be candid with you about everything. I don't think there is much between us as far as I'm concerned that you don't know. But as one of the most important people in my life, I figured I should include you on here anyway. I love you.

To my husband,
Our life together may not have had the most ideal start. Both of us probably saw ourselves in very different places looking in to the future when we were still in college. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to live with or love. You've done your best for me and our two beautiful children and I am thankful every day for the accidents that brought us together. I love you more every day and I should tell you that more than I do.

To my children, Who can't read this, but I felt the need to include because my life wouldn't be complete without them:
Maggie, you are a rich light in my life. You're barely three and more profound than many adults. You don't even realize how wonderful you are yet, and I hope I can guide you enough to reach your full potential as a person. The world won't know what hit it. Sutton, you will always be my baby. Words can't express how special and wonderful you are. I only wish I could see in to your world and experience it as you do. It must be one hell of a place. I love you both so very very much.

To my extended family, my aunts and uncles, cousins and second cousins (which I'm blessed with quite a few),
Some of you I see more often than others, some of you I'm closer with than others, but you've all been a great help and support to my mother and father in their time of need. I can't be there like I want to, but I am so thankful that we have such a support system out there. Thank you so very much for being there when I can't.

To the rest of the terrible four (Shanna, Tara, & Brittany),
We grew up so close, but time and distance have drawn us apart. We don't live across the street or down the road from each other anymore. But no matter where life takes us, I hope all three of you know that you will always be sisters to me in my heart. It doesn't matter how much time has past. If it is within my power to help you when you need it, I will be there. I love all of you dearly, even if half of what we did growing up was fight with each other. I'll never have sisters, but I didn't need to have any, because I had you.

To my St. Francis Peeps,
If I listed you all individually, my note would be infinite. Each one of you helped me along the difficuly path of adolescence n your own way. Whether it was my first kiss, my first party, or my first time sneaking out of a house. All were important milestones to rebellion and individuality. As much as many of us curse that little school (that used to be) down by the river, I can't help but look back at it with a fondness every time I drive home to visit my parents (who still live across the street). You are all such important people to me. I wish all of you so much success and goodness in life. You are all wonderful people (despite our dysfunctions! Ha!)

To all the friends I met while I was at YHC,
I always felt like an outsider in life. I was never the cool kid and I always had a very hard time making new friends. I never felt more accepted in my life than I did in the time I was at Young Harris College. You all helped me feel at home there in your own way, especially my fellow music majors. Bret and Mareta you two were like a family away from home. I saw you both every single day for multiple hours on end. How the two of you ever put up with me, I'll never know. All my sisters in Gamma Psi, you are all fabulously fun, outgoing people and your energy will always be a striving point for me. AVE, we had some crazy stressful and fun times. Pino, you're still my spirit brother, even though we haven't spoken in a long while. Spike, you too. I miss you and I hope I get to see you soon. I will forever be grateful to all of you who made my life a little more bearable.

To all the amazing people I've met as a USAF spouse,
I met all of you on the cusp of adulthood. You've taught me much about myself and what life really is. From the first person who ever spoke to me moving in to our itty bitty quadraplex on Eglin AFB, to the sweet wonderful people who helped me move in to the first home my husband and I have ever owned. Kellyn, Tisha, 'Manda, and Vanessa, you are all strong and independent women I am proud to have met and known. And Stacey, though looking back at the time I've known you we maybe hung out four or five times, you have touched my life and the life of my children, and I can't thank you enough for being there when no one else could be. Though most everyone I've met now lives at least half a country away from me, you are always in my thoughts.

To Stagecrafters & The Flightline,
Thank you for taking a chance on me. All of you came in to my life when I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world. You have renewed my love for theater and music and have given me something to look forward to. The talent that I am amongst when in a room with the lot of you is overwhelming. I am so incredibly grateful that I have had the opportunity to work with and get to know all of you. I am green with envy every time Ray leaves for rehearsal now because I don't get to go too. But it's his turn and I know without a doubt that he will have an amazing experience. He is in good hands. Thank you for showing me how to have fun again. I love all of you very much.

To those I've met and known but never been in the same room with, To Tess, Ari, Vlad, Kyle, Gary, Ginger, Amanda, Seth and the lot of you whom I've shared creativity and laughs with for years through this magical thing we call "the internet",
You are all such special and unique individuals. Smart, talented, and creative people who I'm so glad I got to share a little bit of myself with and I'm honored that you shared a little bit of yourself with me. Thank you so much.

There are so many more people I should mention in this, but if I don't hurry up and finish this now I will never actually post it, and I very much want to. I know a lot of you might think me strange for writing this down here, but it's easier than me trying to go find all o you one by one. Thanks for spending the time to read this. I hope you all find it in yourselves to not be like me. Don't wait so long to tell someone how much they mean to you until they start to think they don't mean anything at all. Don't let stupid, trivial things keep you from being there for someone who really needs it. It doesn't matter how much time has passed or what words have been said. Don't regret.